Nobeard Shawn and the Quest for the Really Big Booty
by DARWIN51
Summary: Nobeard Shawn and his pirate crew travel in search of the Really Big Booty, in competition with their enemy Sternum Bush. Comedy. LoADS of references, you will love it. Please post a review!


Nobeard Shawn and the quest for the Really Big Booty

Nobeard Shawn has a tragic past. At just 2 trienniums old (that's 6 years) he had his beard violently ripped from his chin by and Island Monkeh. This traumatic event has scarred and haunted him ever since.

Now, with his trusty crew and ship, _The Wayward Pineapple,_ he travels the 17 ½ seas in search of the Really Big Booty. Legend has it that this booty is SO BIG not even an entire crew of pirates could lift it. But Nobeard Shawn believes with his trusty crew: Smelly, Dirty, Farty, Stinky, Brick, Magic Head, Flamboyant, Asshead, Killjoy, Shitface, Butt, and Ugly; together, they can find de Really Big Booty.

Nobeard Shawn breathed the fresh, salty air of dead fish while his trusty vulture, Hungry, sat perched on his shoulder. Hungry was spray-painted to look like a parrot. His first mate, Magic Head, walked up beside him. "Any news, Captain?" he asked.

"Let me check. YAR! ASSHEAD! WHAT DO YE SEE?" He screamed.

Asshead sat in the crow's nest. He pulled out his telescope and looked in. "I SEE A VERY LARGE, BRIGHT YELLOW LAND MASS, APPROXIMATELY…TWO FEET AWAY."

"YE DUMBASS THAT'S THE SUN. PUT THE DAMN TELESCOPE AWAY AND TAKE OUT YER BINOCULARS!" Nobeard Shawn screamed back up.

"SHIT CAPTAIN, YOU'RE RIGHT." Asshead, living up to his name, pulled out his binoculars. "I THINK I SEE LAND! LAND HO! LAND HO!"

"Probably just a whale" Killjoy muttered.

"PREPARE THE SAILS!" Nobeard Shawn cried.

"Preparing the sails!" Smelly and Stinky said in unison. Smelly and Stinky were twins that were given up by their mother shortly after birth because one was smelly and the other was too stinky. "Which way, Captain?"

"WHICH WAY, ASSHEAD?" Nobeard Shawn yelled.

"uhh, WEAST, CAPTIAN. LAND TO THE WEAST."

"Ye hear that, boys? We're headed Weast!"

"Anything I can do to help, Captian?" Dirty asked.

"Yar. Go wake up Shitface." Nobeard Shawn replied. Dirty scurried off to the bunks.

"CAPTAIN! MAYDAY! IT'S NOT LAND! ME THINK IT'S ANOTHER SHIP!" Asshead yelled.

"Told ya so." Killjoy said smugly.

"Shaddup Killjoy er I'll make ya walk the plank!"

"But Captain! We don't have a plank!" Butt chimed in.

"I could make you a plank." Flamboyant said with a smile "It would be nice and long and hard…"

"Flamboyant, shut up and go load the cannons." Nobeard Shawn said.

"Aye aye, Captain." Flamboyant said with a wink and went below deck.

"ASSHEAD, REPORT!"

"I CAN SEE THE FLAGWITH THE DEAD SQUIRREL! IT'S THE _SQUIRREL ASSASSIN, _SHIP OF CAPTAIN LASSYPANTS A.K.A. STERNUM BUSH!" Asshead yelled.

"Ugly! Go help Flamboyant man the cannons. Farty, hand out the swords. Butt, lock up our booty."

"But Captain, I don't want t-"

"Shuddup, Butt. Magic Head, bring me my rifle, plenty of ammo, _and hair trimmers_. We're gonna take down ol' Sternum Bush this time." *Nobeard Shawn looks dramatically off into the distance*

"CAPTAIN, THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER!" Asshead yelled.

"HOW CLOSE?"

"ABOUT…5, MAYBE 6."

"SIX WHAT?"

Asshead just kept staring off into the distance.

"Look! It's a bird!" Smelly cried "It's a plane!" Stinky exclaimed, as a bird and a plane flew overhead. Suddenly, the ship veered off in a new course while the twins were distracted from the rigging.

"Stinky! Smelly! Focus!" Nobeard Shawn yelled. They grabbed the rigging but it was too late. They were far off course, and headed straight for The Squirrel Assassin. "Asshead! How close are they?" he shouted.

"ABOUT 3…"

"THREE WHAT?"

"…MAYBE 4…"

"FOUR WHAT!" Nobeard Shawn screamed, getting impatient.

"Feet." Asshead replied.

***CRASH***

"Damnit, Asshead! Now we have to fight!" Nobeard Shawn said.

"Must this all end in violence?" Flamboyant asked.

"You! You're supposed to be manning the cannons!"

"Well…with the ships at such close proximity… firing the cannons would kind of be like… a bad idea. Totally a really bad idea."

"Fine. We must fight with our bare hands." He stated, then muttered "This is going to be worse than Waterworld." Nobeard Shawn grabbed his rifle from Magic Head "Take yer positions, boys!"

"Aye aye, Captain!" The crew yelled.

"I can't hear you!"

"AYE AYE CAPTAIN!"

Sternum Bush jumped aboard their ship, along with a few crew members. "Well well. If it isn't Baldchin Shawn, looking for trouble. I knew I'd find you sooner or later." Sternum Bush sneered.

"I ain't looking for trouble, Sternum Bush. _You_ jumped on _my_ ship." Nobeard Shawn defended.

"I believe it was that asshat up there in your crow's nest who ran in to _my _ship." Sternum Bush retorted.

"It's _Asshead._" Nobeard Shawn said while he was trying to think of a comeback, when suddenly he saw something that made his blood run cold.

Monkehs were climbing out of every doorway and porthole of Sternum Bush's ship. "_No_…not…not _Monkehs_!"

Sternum Bush just laughed "We're going to kill you _and _your disgusting little crew."

"Don't be the Dread Pirate Roberts from The Princess Bride." Nobeard Shawn replied, backing away as the Monkehs inched closer and closer. "Aww, is little Shawnie baby scared?" Sternum Bush sneered.

Nobeard Shawn puffed out his chest "We have nothing to be scared of."

"Really? My crew of 40 experienced and hardened pirates against your…what, maybe 4 humans. I'm not sure what the rest of you are. Why do you think you even stand a chance?" Sternum Bush laughed.

"BECAUSE GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE!" and with that, Nobeard Shawn and his crew of questionable humans began to attack in the _most_ unorganized manner. Swords clashed and heads butt-ed. Amidst the mayhem, Nobeard Shawn grabbed Dirty by the arm and said "Yar, sneak onto their ship and see if ye can find their map. Without it they'll be lost, and they may even know where the Really Big Booty is! Go! May Neptune be with you!" Nobeard Shawn shoved Dirty towards the enemy ship.

Bombs exploded all around and gunshots fired and Monkehs screeched their loudest screech: a B flat note in the key of G, with a ¾ time signature. Nobeard Shawn wasn't afraid to fight, but he _was_ afraid of the Island Monkehs. One of Sternum Bush's crew approached him with a club. "Ahoy there ma-" SMACK Nobeard Shawn was cut off mid-sentence by a good clobbering over the head. "You know, that wasn't very nice. I was just trying to make friendly conversation and you just up and smacked me in the face!"

"But I-"

"No buts! What would your grandmother think?"

The pirate thought for a moment, then sobbed "I'm-I'm sorry Nanna!"

"She forgives you." Nobeard Shawn said as he picked up his rifle and promptly beat the shit out of the other pirate. Walking away he said, "No grandma, No morals."

Suddenly he came upon Sternum Bush, bearing his sword and looking for a fight. "Baby face." Sternum Bush greeted with a snicker.

"Half-waxed werewolf." Shawn threw back and they began circling each other.

"LL Cool J's noggin." Sternum Bush hissed back.

"Chewbacca's noggin!" Shawn cried, highly offended.

"Bruce Willis chinned snot-bag!"

Shawn looked down at Sternum Bush's peg leg. "Soggy chest-foliage on a stick!"

"Gerber baby's butt!"

"Cousin It!"

"Pampers extra-soft!"

"Overgrown Muppet!"

Nobeard Shawn decided to be the bigger person and just stab Sternum Bush in the gut already. Unfortunately, Sternum Bush, seeing that Shawn had no comeback, had predicted his move, and easily dodged the sword.

"Hah! Is that all you got?" Sternum Bush challenged. Nobeard Shawn looked off nervously over his shoulder and saw Dirty sneaking back aboard the ship. "Hey, Sternum Bush, Do you know how many megabytes are in a gallon?" He asked, trying to stall Sternum Bush so he wouldn't see Dirty.

"What? You fool, I never learned the metric system!"

"Maybe I could teach you then. One potato is equal to 5 silver bullets. So, instead of wasting your bullets, just shoot potatoes instead, and they will do more damage!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! Also, a mile is equal to 3 lingths of your ship, so if you are traveling 11 miles, just go 33 lengths of your ship!"

"Wow! That's amazing! The things you learn from public school, who would have ever thought." Sternum Bush shook his head. Growing up homeschooled, he had always thought there were 5,280 feet in a mile. Boy, was he wrong.

"Whoa!" Shawn exclaimed "Is that your Captain's cabin on fire!"

"Where!" Cried Sternum Bush, looking frantically back to his ship.

"Over yonder!" Shawn pointed.

"Yar, I better go check it out! This isn't over, Buttchin!" Sternum Bush called as he whistled for his crew to follow him back to his ship.

Shawn turned to his own bloody, beaten crew. "Dirty! What did ye find?"

"I found a few barrels of gunpowder, an unsettling amount of preserved pickels, a dirty sock, some old Richard Simmons exercise tapes…"

"Did ye find the map!" Nobeard Shawn said impatiently.

"Oh, right, the map. Yes, I got a map!" he pulled a stained piece of paper out of his pants. Nobeard Shawn snatched It away quickly. "Let's see what we got here, um, 'The Sea Of Suspicious Liquids', that's where we are now. And there's the Island of Gilligan. That's a rather silly place, we don't want to go there. A-ha! The Island of Tremendous Danger, that sounds like a good place to start!" the crew began to cheer in agreement.

"But Captain! The X is clearly labeled on Fears for Tears Island! Shouldn't that be where the Really Big Booty is?" Butt chimed in.

"Damnit, Butt. If you didn't have a hook hand I would high-5 you right now. Stinky! Smelly! Set the sails for Fears for Tears Island! Let's get us some booty!"

As the crew assumed their positions, Killjoy muttered "Sternum Bush probably already beat us to it."

"Nuh-uh!" Farty mocked "How can they get anywhere if they don't have their steering wheel?" Farty said as he held up a circular object.

"Idiot, that's a dinner plate."

"Dumbass! Dumbass!" Hungry squawked.

"All of you, knock it off!" Nobeard Shawn said "Farty, go see which direction the winds are breaking. Killjoy, go help man the sails." Nobeard Shawn took his position at the steering wheel and they set off.

Two days, 257 bathroom breaks, 2 barrels of rum, and one Mad About You marathon later, Asshead spotted something.

"Land Ho! Land Ho!" He cried from the crow's nest.

"WHAT DO YE SEE, ASSHEAD?" Nobeard Shawn called.

"Uhh…LAND."

"IS IT THE SUN?"

"NO"

"IS IT A WHALE?"

"NO"

"IS IT ANOTHER SHIP?"

"NO!"

"ARE YOU SURE IT'S LAND THIS TIME! ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT JUST A REALLY LARGE ROCK."

"…ISN'T THAT WHAT LAND _IS_, CAPTAIN? IM STARTING TO THINK YOU DON'T HAVE FAITH IN ME…"

"YEAH YEAH, WHATEVER, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. OF COURSE I HAVE APES IN YOU! NOW GET BACK TO WORK!" Nobeard Shawn felt a tug on his sleeve.

"Captain, have you seen my cousin?" Ugly asked. Butt and Ugly were 3rd cousins, 2 ½ times removed.

"No. And I don't really care. Get back to work! We're almost to the land!"

But suddenly, approaching on their left flank starboard portside bow, was Sternum Bush's ship.

"Flamboyant! Prepare the cannons!" But it was too late, _The Squirrel Assassin_ was already firing away. Suddenly, Magic Head was hit square in the chest, and collapsed to the ground.

"I..I never thought I'd go out like this! This will be so hard on my son!"

"You don't have a son" Nobeard Shawn reminded him.

"I guess I've lived a full life. I want to thank my sister, and Christopher Lloyd, and Whoopi Goldberg, and James Roday, and um…. Obama, for telling me I was born this way. And John Wayne, for making me breakfast every morning. Also the guy who invented gummy bears, I wouldn't be the person I am today without him-"

"Would ya shat up? What are you, accepting an Oscar? You were hit with a potato, I think you'll survive."

Magic Head lifted his magic head and held up a potato "A…potato?"

"Captain, why are they firing potatoes!" Ugly shouted.

Nobeard Shawn could only give a hearty laugh, the way only a pirate or santa claus could.

"A better question is: How did they catch up to us so fast?" Asked Flamboyant.

Nobeard Shawn looked dramatically off into the distance "It's a mystery. Like why Phil Collins always sounds like he's singing from far away."

Suddenly, The Squirrel Assassin pulled up right beside them. "Hey buttchin! I heard Michael Jackson is writing a new song about you, it's called Smooth Mandible!"

"Ha ha, very funny." Shawn said. Dirty started giggling next to him "Stop laughing!" then to Sternum Bush "Is that the best you got?" Shawn challenged.

"Oh, well we also have the fact that you just led us straight to the island, so thanks! We will be going to get the booty now." Sternum Bush laughed as he sailed away towards the island.

_The Wayward Pineapple _quickly got ahead of Sternum Bush's ship. Suddenly, Sternum Bush's ship threw a green turtle shell at The Wayward Pineapple. Shawn's ship spun out of control and fell behind. In retaliation, Shawn launched a banana peel off in front of _The Squirrel Assassin_. _The Squirrel Assassin_ did a double-backflip and took a moment to recover_. The Wayward Pineapple_ was then able to catch up.

The two ships were neck and neck, with only about a Lebron James sized gap between them. _The Squirrel Assassin_ began launching objects about the size of a small bunny over to _The Wayward Pineapple_.

"SOAP!" Someone cried.

"No! Not soap!"

"AHHHHHH!" The crew of _the Wayward Pineapple_ turned to chaos. They ran around and lit things on fire and stabbed the deck and threw things overboard and shot at the soap with their guns.

The space between the two ships was now about a Danny DeVito sized gap. "Aww, little Shawnie, I'm sorry. Maybe if I'm feeling generous I'll spare you one doubloon after I get the Really Big Booty!" Sternum Bush laughed as he pulled away.

Shawn picked himself up off the poop deck. "Gather yourselves, boys! We have work to do if you ever want to see the booty!"

"I want to see the booty!"

"Me too! I love booty!"

"I want to hug and squeeze the booty and feel it and stroke-"

"That's enough, Flamboyant! I've heard enough out of you. If ye all really want the booty really bad…"

"WE DO"

"Then get to work and go catch that ship!" The crew quickly returned to their positions and worked harder than ever, images of booty dancing through their heads.

"LAND HO! LAND H-"

CRASH

The crew groaned in pain as they hit some rocks. "THANKS, ASSHEAD." They all called up, as they climbed off the ship while Asshead fell out of the crow's nest and landed behind them.

"Wait! Shouldn't we leave someone behind to guard the ship?" Magic Head asked.

"Good thinking, Magic Head. We'll leave Brick behind. Does that sound good to you, Brick?"

"HHHHungggoiiihyaaaaEEEE!" Brick said. Brick was named after the object that he landed on when he was born.

"Great! Thanks, Brick. Now let's take a look at this map here…there's Mount Double Peaks, The hundred-acre wood,"

"That sounds like a good place to start, Captain!"

"No no no, we don't want to go there, it's filled with mentally ill animals. Here we go! The Rock Of Pride, right next to The Caves Of Hazzard. That must be where it is, let's go!"

The crew set off on a hike through a tropical forest to get to the Caves Of Hazzard, when all of a sudden, a large snake dropped down from a tree right in front of Magic Head.

"Ahh! A Monty Python!" he took off into the forest and the crew quickly followed.

"Magic Head, wait up!" Nobeard Shawn called, when suddenly they came upon a large, dark cave. Entering slowly, Killjoy muttered "This is about as dark and depressing as a Tim Burton movie."

They continued walking along in the darkness. Gradually, they came upon items on the floor.

"I got a gold doubloon!"

" I got a necklace of pearls!"

"…I got a rock."

"C'mon crew, let's keep moving, if this is only what we find on the floor, imagine what lies ahead!" Nobeard Shawn encouraged. As they got farther and farther, they realized all the booby traps had been set off already…recently.

"Yar! A light up yonder!" Nobeard Shawn cried, pointing ahead. The crew ran to the light and found themselves on a ledge of a giant lagoon. The cave walls surrounded them, and blue-green almost glowing water lay directly in front of them. A large, old looking ship sat in the middle of the lagoon.

Shawn took a deep breath of amazement. "_The Delorean_, ship of the legendary Captain Brown. I never thought I'd see her with me own one eye. Amazing. Let's take a moment and-"

Suddenly, they heard a ruckus from aboard the ship. "There's a suspicious ruckus. Let's go check it out." Shawn said to his crew. They swam over to the boat and climbed up the anchor. They followed the sound below deck to find Sternum Bush and his crew arguing over the treasure that sat all around the room.

Shawn motioned for his pirates to be quiet for a minute, and they stood there in the doorway, eating popcorn for a good 10 minutes before Sternum Bush finally realized they were there. "Ahh, Shawnie, I'm surprised to see you here… I'll give you one gold doubloon if you leave now, then there doesn't have to be any _violence_ doesn't that sound nice to you?" Sternum Bush cooed.

"We don't want any gold-" Nobeard Shawn started

"Uh…yes we do." Flamboyant corrected.

Ignoring him, Nobeard Shawn continued "That's not yours, now put it back, where it rightfully belongs. Besides, this isn't even the Really Big Booty."

"It's not?"

"I know where it is."

"Tell me, child! Show me the booty!" Sternum Bush pleaded.

"It's at the bottom of this lagoon. It'll take 14 men to lift it."

Sternum Bush was out the door faster than Usain Bolt. *SPLASH*

"Wow. I didn't actually expect him to fall for that." Shawn said surprised. "Let's leave this treasure to Captain Brown, the Really Big Booty is somewhere else." Just as Shawn and his crew were climbing back up to the deck, they heard a loud booming voice.

"GIVE ME THE BOOTY, OR THE PRINCESS DIES." It was Old Man Ying, up on a ledge in the lagoon, holding a woman in a dress at gunpoint.

*collective GASP*

"A girl!"

"It's a girl!"

"A real girl!

"What's a girl?"

"This is Princess Juliet, and if you don't give me all the booty in your trousers and on the ship, she _dies._" Ying challenged, pressing the gun closer to Princess Juliet's temple.

Sternum Bush seemed to think this over for a minute. "Hmm, booty, princess, booty, princess, booty…booty!" He dove back under in search for more treasure.

"But Old Man Ying, we haven't got any booty in our pants!" Shawn called.

"No, no booty." His crew echoed, patting their pants to prove it.

"Well FIND ME SOME! Or she dies!"

"Save that princess!" Nobeard Shawn cried. The crew turned around frantically to find the booty Ying desired. While they had their backs turned, Princess Juliet elbowed Ying in the gut, kicked him where the sun don't shine, grabbed his dagger, cut the ropes around her wrists and ankles, took the shotgun, and beat Ying over the head with it repeatedly, because it was more fun than just shooting him. She grabbed Ying's whip and swung herself over to the ship's deck by the stalactites on the ceiling of the cave.

With a smile, she tapped Shawn on the shoulder. "What the Barbara Walters!" He cried in surprise at the same time Magic Head cried "What the Barbra Streisand!" Shawn looked at him funny "I've heard it both ways." He cleared his throat. "Princess! Who rescued you?!"

"Why do I have to be rescued, why can't I just rescue myself? "

"Well…because…princesses can't rescue themselves, they just…can't." His voice got quieter at the end.

Princess Juliet smacked him clear across the face.

"That was so hot. I've never been more attracted to someone since Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club." He said, dazed. "Princess Juliet-"

"Actually I'm not a princess. Ying just dressed me up like this. He has _awful_ taste; this dress is from the GAP. I'm not some softie princess, I'm more of a pirate myself…" she whispered the next part in Shawn's ear "And I like the _bad boy_ type.." She winked at him.

Nobeard Shawn was completely dumbfounded. He could barely put together the sentence: "I…I'm a bad boy. I e-eat the cookie dough _raw_."

"That's the best way…" She flirted when suddenly, Sternum Bush climbed up onto the deck from the water and said "You know Shawnie, I hate to spoil your little shindig up here, but that princess probably knows where the Really Big Booty is, so I'll be kidnapping her now." He said, still out of breath from climbing the anchor. "In one moment." He panted.

Nobeard Shawn took this as a moment to give a little speech. "Listen, Sternum Bush, I know that Everybody Wants To Rule The World, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the good of others. Maybe its best that none of us find the Really Big Booty, giving one person that much Power could hurt all of us. I've had enough of everyone fighting with Swords And Knives. I Believe you need to show some compassion, this princ-…not princess was kidnapped and held at gunpoint and forced to beat her captor and escape on her own, don't you think she needs a little break? Besides, If Juliet so desires, she is more than welcome to join my crew and be treated equally. What do you say, Juliet?"

Before Juliet could answer, Sternum Bush cut in "I must say, babychin, that elicited no emotion from my being whatsoever. It was like watching Cheers without Woody. I'll be taking the gold now." Sternum Bush laughed as he grabbed the remaining bags of gold on the ship and jumped back in the water to a tiny exit in the cave.

"You're going to get some really bad karma!" Nobeard Shawn cried after him. "C'mon boys…and Juliet. Let's get back to our ship." They climbed off _The Delorean_ and headed towards the same exit where Sternum Bush and his crew had gone.

Before they got out of the cave, they saw a sight that can only be described as wondertragicous. Nobeard Shawn's pirates pulled out some more popcorn and sat in cover to watch. Sternum Bush and his crew were out on the beach, running around in mayhem, being attacked by Monty Pythons and Jason Seagulls and Gryll Bears and Sheryl Crows and John Cougars and Gingrich Newts and Snoop Dogs and Wood Tigers and Tony Hawks and Will Feral Cats. Needless to say, it was a wonderful sight.

Nobeard Shawn and his crew went around the island the other way back to their ship, and sailed off into the night, singing Sweet Home Alabama all night long. Just kidding they were actually singing Yellow Submarine, although Brick was singing Walk On The Ocean for some strange reason…


End file.
